Most of the time, I get up at 2:30 am to travel to Kinnick Stadium for games. Even though I’m a Hawkeye fan, there are two universal truths that I’m fighting every trip to Kinnick. One, all men are idiots. That is just science and it really can’t be debated. Only men are dumb enough to even try and that just solidifies the argument. Second, no one functions at 2:3o in the morning. Not getting up anyway. I have been a fully functional Death Star staying up past 2:30, but never getting up at that time. These two facts have lead to some interesting game day commutes, but what happen to my buddy last weekend ranks pretty high. High, but not the top. I’m going C, B, and A, because I can’t get the damn HTML to work. Probably because I’m an idiot.
Top 3 Game Day Commute Stories
- I’m an idiot – This one is lame, but it is mine. How can I not show up in my own list damn it! In the mid ’00s, Mrs. Hawkeye Bean chose to skip a game. It was Wisconsin and she decided to stay home. I went, forgot the tickets and had to scalp. Okay, I have forgotten the tickets several times since including last weekend. Not a huge deal. At the gas pump on the way home, I discovered I had left my debit card in the ATM getting money for the tickets. For whatever reason, I didn’t have a credit card on me and had to sweat it out all the way home with the needle on E. Told you it was lame, but the list gets better. I promise.
- On the Train – This happened last weekend to my buddy Hawkeye Liam. I think he asked to be called Hawkeye Liam. He either said to call him Hawkeye Liam when I blog about this event or don’t ever blog about this under penalty of death. Whatever. Like all good stories, this one starts with a grown man at Six Flags Fright Night. Bottomline, he loses his phone there. Next day or whenever, it is time to head for a Friday night in Iowa City for a guys weekend. He is a Hawkeye fan. So of course has a lovely, out of his league and apparently very patience girlfriend. She agrees to pick him up at the Lisle Metra stop after work to avoid the Chicago rush hour. I’m sure the sight of her radiantly waiting on the Metra platform was the cause of failing to exit with all his personal items. That is right, he left is bag for the weekend on the train. Yep, the University mandated Gold Apparel, toothbrush, clean underwear and I assume a teddy bear. They raced to the next stop in time to get on the train and look for the bag. The problem though, it was the wrong train. Hawkeye Liam’s girlfriend, be female and therefore not an idiot, recognizes a lost cause and got off the train. Hawkeye Liam, being a man and an idiot, bravely searched on. Doors close, train rolls on down the line. Hawkeye Liam on, Hawkeye Liam’s girlfriend off. Hawkeye Liam dumbfounded, Hawkeye Liam’s girlfriend upset. But wait, this is 2011 and we have technology to communicate with anyone from anywhere. Just reach into your pocket and pull out your cell phone. She’ll pick you up at the next stop…….Now, who has been paying attention? Is there a cellphone in Hawkeye Liam’s pocket? No there is not. But, looky, looky, he has the keys to the car. Yep, she is stranded back at the station. They made it to Iowa City eventually and we laughed at him.
- $3,000 Worth of Bull Sperm - This one is the top Hawkeye Game Day Commute story I’ve ever heard. I could probably just stop at the title – $3,000 worth of bull sperm. I’ll keep this one short. Man comes to our tailgate at the Dental Lot, late and ticked off. What’s wrong? I lost $3,000 worth of bull sperm this morning, that ‘s why I’m late. Business or pleasure? Business, refrigerator broke and lost our entire supply. Wow, that seems like a lot for what it is. Yep, it is kinda of hard to come by. Sooooo…. how do you think the Hawks will do today?
So that’s what I got. Please feel free to add yours. It’s Friday and I could use a laugh at your expense.